San Francisco and The Empty Nest

Practical Advice on Motherhood, Parenting and Home 

I have not been alone like this since my twenties. I hate to admit it, but there were times while raising my family that I craved a situation like this. To be in a highrise apartment surrounded by books and my expresso machine and weekends with nothing more to do than read, think, and dream… 

In the famous essay A Room of One’s Own, published in 1929 by Virginia Woolf, she addresses the status of women, and women artists in particular. The work was based on two lectures she gave in 1928 at Cambridge. In this essay, she writes about the centuries of prejudice and financial and educational disadvantages that have inhibited women’s creativity. 

I am happy to say that now I finally have that, a room of my own, or several rooms actually which is why I have the time to write this article because for many years I did not. Throughout those years it was a constant struggle to paint, write, or even have a moment for my own thoughts. I remember attending a party at Castlewood Country Club when my kids were small and sitting outside on the veranda by myself looking out over the beautiful golden hills. My now late husband came out and asked me what I was doing. I remember telling him “I’m thinking my own thoughts,” as at the time with a family, work and so many obligations it was a rare thing to do. 

However, I do believe that children are the best part of life and I have no regrets regarding making the choice for motherhood though quite honestly it was difficult for me as a writer and painter and someone who enjoys creating things to have so much domestic responsibility. That coupled with a full-time job in the fast paced technology field left little if any time for these endeavors. 

Prior to this, I had been a very different sort of person. My college friends were surprised at how well I cared for my home and kids because, in college, I smoked Dunhill cigarettes, went to the gym with a bag of M&Ms, and rode the exercise bike while eating them. I refused the pressure to run 5K marathons and enjoyed my life spending entire weekends reading the classics. I was unconventional, to say the least. I eloped and was married quite suddenly on a snowy December day in Lake Tahoe. I was wearing my 501 jeans and a ski jacket. This was unheard of in my circle of friends. 

However, when it came to married life and my home I did everything by the book. If Martha Stewart did it then I did it. I bought all her books, subscribed to her magazine, and watched her T.V. show religiously at 10 a.m. every single weekday when I worked from home. I would stop whatever I was doing and sit and watch her make ridiculous things like homemade marshmallows. My linen closet looked just like hers. Ditto the pantry. Her garden was harder to replicate, but I tried very hard buying rare heirloom roses, seven varieties of lavender, and my now famous lemon tree and lavishing a tremendous amount of attention on all of them. I hung onto my family antiques and mixed them at her suggestion with other “good” furniture. I became a master laundress. I kept my house as clean as a whistle. When my kids were little my housekeeper came once a week and I cleaned with her for four solid hours. My homes were always spotless. The saying “orderliness is the first rule of heaven” was my motto. I could never relax. Never. 

I took this obsession to the next level with my daughters. At every stage, I would go to the library and check out the entire shelf of childhood development books and read them like novels. Everything I did for my children was intentional. I left nothing to chance and relied on the experts and not my intuition. I felt that we had enough scientific evidence to be able to raise our children in a way that would far surpass our own childhoods. I don’t think I was wrong and I am very proud of my children and do not regret the tremendous amount of effort it took to raise good people who are happy and well-adjusted in a world that can be highly toxic for girls and young women coming of age. 

When my daughters were in grade school I read a book about the nature deficit a phrase first coined by author Richard Louv that explains how children who are increasingly disconnected from their natural environment have higher instances of ADD, ADHD, depression, and other behavioral problems. Having grown up on a farm and valuing this greatly I began incorporating this philosophy into our household routines. Then, when my children were six and eight we bought a second home in Truckee, California where we spent most of our free time, especially in the winter and summer. This home also gave my children time away from their peers to connect to nature and themselves in a healthy way and it remains a sacred place for them to this day. 

When my girls were pre-teens I read The Conscious Parent: Transforming Ourselves, Empowering Our Children by Dr. Shefali Tsabary and separated myself from the thinking at the time in my neighborhood. I pulled back from academics and sought a more well-rounded approach that included sports, friends, and lots of free time to explore. In her book, Dr. Shelfali Tsabary writes about the soul of the child and how to develop that. So the souls of my children became my singular focus. 

Even though the role of mother and wife was not something I was well suited for naturally I took it seriously and committed to excellence in raising my children and keeping a comfortable home full of love, acceptance, peace, and joy. 

Today, we have a family manual, family meetings, and regular Zoom calls. My role as a mother has changed and I am now a consultant to them offering help and advice only when asked. In a recent family meeting, I asked them what they needed from me now that they were post-grads. They asked for career, financial, and fashion advice. It’s ironic that as they were preparing for their careers I was teaching executives how to become leaders at UC Berkeley. This has come in very handy. What I love about my daughters is that not only do they seek my advice on these matters they actually execute them. The most recent being please fund your Roth IRA to the max by year end. This is great advice for anyone for that matter. 

Living in the city has liberated me from my home-making obsession and has allowed me to spend time engaging in my other creative pursuits. And, the consultant role of parenting suits me well and I am very much enjoying my life and the rooms that are now mine alone. 

Love and blessings to all.