Pain Makes You Beautiful 

This is what I look like pretending, I didn’t just break my wrist.

It’s the left hand. Can you tell?

People are really good at hiding their pain.

And being no exception to this rule, I am, however, surprised by how sad I still feel, after so many months.

Understanding grief to be nonlinear and for me, compounded and complicated by family and other mitigating circumstances, it’s understandable that I am hurting still.

I am also, keenly aware, that I am healing heartbreak from my past, as well as this recent loss, and the eerie history repeats feeling of losing my own father.

Perhaps, it’s the milestones, that make me feel this way.  My children will now forever remain fatherless. Graduation ceremonies, birthdays, weddings and more, will forever be a reminder that they do not, like most everyone else, have a father.

They will always be singled out due to this sad fact. I know exactly how they feel now, and will feel in the future, and there is nothing I can do to change this.

I never thought, I would be sending my daughter to college, and spreading my husbands ashes in the same summer.

But I will be.

 

Love and blessings.

My Story 

When I was six years old, my older sister, locked me in our woodshed, where I cried myself to sleep, until my mother found me there at dinner time. 

At nine she pushed me down the hardwood stairs of our two story farmhouse.  And everyone knows what happened when I was eleven.

I know, I hurt her too.  With my independent spirit, I wouldn’t play in the house with her all day, and I would get in the canoe at my Auntie Pat’s cottage outside of Toronto, Canada, and paddle myself to the neighboring lake house to play checkers with the other kids. 

As I spend time alone, and try to heal my heart from this most recent heartbreak,  I think back to the many days of my life, and the lessons I’ve learn, and the experiences I’ve had. And I do so with only forgiveness, and my own desire to whenever possible be kind, and do no harm, knowing as with everyone, I too have my own blindspots, and human failings.  

Writing my story, both the darkness and the light, illuminates my path forward, with a wisdom that lights the way.

Love and blessings to all.