Grounded

Manicotti

I’ve finally started to feel grounded again, after a busy few weeks, I thought spending time alone in Tahoe would make me feel better, but it didn’t. 

What has helped me has been to come home, water my pink and white flowers, and pots full of impatience, pansies and daisies, tend to my basil plants, and trim my beloved Meyer Lemon tree and cook for my children. 

I should have known this, because nothing comforts me more than the fog rolling in and cooling off my creekside home in the summertime. I love the wildlife that thrives in our beautiful town, and the way we are so close to the city, but feel so far away. 

There is no better feeling than puttering around barefoot, watering the plants, and making dinner for the kids.

Love and blessings. 

Separating the Future from the Past

Speedboat Beach, Lake Tahoe


I now have a day to separate my future from my past. I wanted the one last thing that I did for my husband to be beautiful and it was.  We spread his ashes yesterday at dawn on a beautiful summer day in one of the most beautiful places in the world. 

We spent the day as we had planned at the beach with our friends and then, last night, some of our closest friends joined us for dinner at our home in Truckee. 

Three families that we have raised our children with and skied with over the years were here for dinner, as were my husband’s best friends, or the original Bushwood golf foursome. My close friend Debra, as well as my kids and their friends. 

It was a beautiful evening in every way. We have closure now and some sense of peace, or as much as is possible, although, I’ve come to realize there are things you never really get over, you just learn to live with them gracefully, and not allow them to influence your happiness. 

I feel that I have done everything that I could to honor the vows I took when we married, I ensured his life was honored, and his wishes were respected.  

Now, that is behind me, I want to write another book, I’ve also been asked to teach again next year at UC Berkeley. I enjoy my work on The Trident Project and Ocean SF and that keeps me very busy. 

Someday, our boat Solana will be in the water, and I’ve been invited to sail around the world,  after my youngest heads to college, in 2019.

I’ve worked hard to lay this foundation, and be a role model for my children.  Hard work generally pays off, and with that being said, I now step into my future. 

Love and blessings to all. 

Best Friends Jeff, Chris and Dan

Lake Tahoe

Love & Money

Truckee, California 2009

My husband was the most generous person I have ever met. When we first began dating, I asked him to join some friends for my birthday. My girlfriends made the reservation in the city, and we all showed up with our dates.

When the bill came, my friends pulled out their wallets, but my husband insisted on picking up the tab. The bill was $1,200.00, he did this sort of thing all the time.

After we got married, a check could not hit the table without him picking it up. But, on the reverse side money rolled in from all directions and soon, as a couple, we had more money than we knew what to do with.

I began to expect this, and understood how money flowed both in and out of our hands. One day, after Paris was born, we went to the jewelry store, I had Paris in my arms. My husband bought me a 5 carat princess cut diamond in a hand carved diamond platinum band.

He would buy cases of good wine to share with friends, and when we bought our Tahoe house we loaded it up with the neighborhood, friends, and tons of kids.

When the bottom fell out of the stock market and commercial construction imploded, we spent more time at home, ordered pizza on Friday nights, and had BBQ’s and camp outs in our backyard.

When we first moved to Moraga, I would be approached in the grocery store, by older women, collectively, they would tell me to enjoy every moment. I would think to myself, “they must have amnesia.”  I was so exhausted by my newborn and two year old, it was hard to enjoy anything.

However, I heard this so often that I believed it had merit, and I made a conscious decision to savor sitting in the stuffed cow and pig chairs with my toddlers watching Disney Princess movies, among the other activities of a busy mother.

The only thing that ever really mattered was that we had each other. And now we don’t.  We only have our memories, and the ring, that now sits in the bank.

Love and blessings to all.

Pain Makes You Beautiful 

Pain Makes You Beautiful 

This is what I look like pretending, I didn’t just break my wrist.

It’s the left hand. Can you tell?

People are really good at hiding their pain.

And being no exception to this rule, I am, however, surprised by how sad I still feel, after so many months.

Understanding grief to be nonlinear and for me, compounded and complicated by family and other mitigating circumstances, it’s understandable that I am hurting still.

I am also, keenly aware, that I am healing heartbreak from my past, as well as this recent loss, and the eerie history repeats feeling of losing my own father.

Perhaps, it’s the milestones, that make me feel this way.  My children will now forever remain fatherless. Graduation ceremonies, birthdays, weddings and more, will forever be a reminder that they do not, like most everyone else, have a father.

They will always be singled out due to this sad fact. I know exactly how they feel now, and will feel in the future, and there is nothing I can do to change this.

I never thought, I would be sending my daughter to college, and spreading my husbands ashes in the same summer.

But I will be.

 

Love and blessings.

Mothers Day & The Charming Distractions or Never the Less Joy

Never the less, there is joy.  My charming distractions spent the entire day with me yesterday.  It was one of the happiest in many months.  I woke to the sound of pots and pans in the kitchen, then there were eggs, and a champaign flute full of green juice.  Then presents.  They both got in bed with me and fell back to sleep.  I got up, and wrote about my own mother, Home Again, that I posted yesterday.

We then went on a hike through the Moraga hills with Polly, our family dog, then to dinner at Prima in Walnut Creek.  Over dinner we talked about where we would live if we could live anywhere in the world.  I said, I would have an apartment in the city (San Francisco), a boat in Tiburon, and a farm house in Napa.  So now that I’ve set that intention, we will see what happens.  This is the way I’ve done things, I decide, and then work towards it.  I wanted an acre parcel with a pool in Lamorinda, I wanted a ski house in Tahoe, and now I want something new.

My girls would like to live in London and Paris, but I secretly hope one of them will come back and live in our house in Moraga to raise their family.  This is what many Morgans do, they venture off, and return to Moraga to raise their children.  It’s such a wonderful family town and I am so grateful for my time here.

We ended our beautiful day with a movie. I could not be more thankful for my life and charming children. 

Love and blessings to all.