Love & Relationships

As I take care of my daughter after knee surgery, I remember an incident when a close family member of mine came to my home after I had surgery.

I have a rare lung disease, and am now in remission, but for a time I was not. And this family member stole all of the pain medication I needed to help me recover from having my neck cut open and parts of my lungs removed.

On my second day in recovery, my close relative left me with one pill out of thirty.

When I called her, and asked if she had taken my drugs after visiting, she insisted it was my 17 year old babysitter, who had taken them, and not her.

No one can ever say that I’ve not been forgiving. I trusted and believed my close relative and distanced myself from my beloved babysitter.

Later, I saw the truth, but I still forgave and allowed this harmful person in my life.

“Family is not necessarily your blood. We are raised to think that but sometimes our family lets us down and we end up creating a new family for ourselves. Family is the people you can rely on, people who won’t judge you, people who have your back, people you can trust, people who are loyal.’

– Madonna

Love and blessings to all.

A Rich Full Life

Many people wouldn’t think of me as lucky from the outside looking in, but every single morning before I get out of bed, I count my blessings. And it doesn’t take very long for me to feel grateful for the many good things in my life. 

First of all, I’m in excellent health. On most days, if I’ve not burned the candle at both ends, which I often do, I feel fantastic. Then, I have my wonderful family, and in particular my spectacular daughters. Then, I have the most hilarious golden-doodle, named Polly, and her two side kicks the black and white cats, Dash and Jam. 

Next, I have friends galore. And make more everyday. I have been spending time with my sailing friends this week. Especially, my business partner, and my sailing instructor Tom. There is nothing like a common interest to connect and deepen ties with people.

But, I especially love my neighbors and my beautiful neighborhood. I have so much love and support here that I feel blessed everyday. My neighbor Sandy, who brought Paris’ bedding to her college dorm in LA after we forgot it, my dear friends Craig and Denise who help me with everything I do, including building Ocean SF. My husband’s three best friends, and their families, that are always here for us. And, my neighbor Alecia, who made me the beautiful pearl and rose quartz necklace I’m wearing above. And Barb, who I met when our daughters were two, who took me to the polo tournament where the above photo was taken a few weekends ago. 

Recently, one of my neighbors sent me the following note. It was so generous and kind it brought tears to my eyes. 

“Dear Sydney,

I have been thinking about you a lot over the last few weeks knowing that a year has passed since losing your husband. I have not seen you in years nor spoken, but I do want you to know that I have always admired the woman, and Mother that you are. You have been a true role model from the day I met you. My daughter, has always spoken of you with admiration and your unconditional kindness towards her made her love being in your presence. Both Siena and Paris are so fortunate to have a loving, attentive, involved, active and beautiful Mother who truly loves her children. I believe Paris must be heading off to a College, and that must be an exciting yet difficult transition after your past year. These next two years will be very special for you and Siena. Time is precious as you are aware, and it’s never too late to tell someone how wonderful they are. So before I turn in I wanted to let you know how much I admire you and if you ever need anything I’m here for you.”

People like this, and the precious town I live in, give me deep roots, and a priceless sense of security. 

Love and blessings to all. 

Winding Down

The days are winding down until my daughter leaves for college. I know she’s ready, so I don’t have the normal anxiety of letting go, because I know she will be fine. Still, there is this shadow around her leaving. 

Its difficult to not think of this as an ending to the journey we have been on together. I think about the day she came into the world, and now in a few days, I will be walking away from her, leaving her behind. This seems like an impossibility no matter how much I have prepared for it. 

There have been too many endings this summer, and I see this as true because my sixteen year old has been very close these last days. She is on my heels as I walk around the house, she peers into the rooms I am sitting in as I work. I ask her what she needs, and she tells me nothing, and walks away.

We’ve always thought of our beautiful two story traditional home as our fifth family member.  We are each attached to it and it’s light filled rooms, and the many memories we’ve shared together here.  Soon, it will be just two of us, but I am hoping that the space that is left behind will be filled with something new.

The possibilities are endless of course: a foreign exchange student, a foster child, or maybe more friends and visitors. My life during this past chapter has been lived beyond this house; I’ve spent my time out in the world, or on boats, or in Tahoe. 

I’m now looking forward to being home again, and my life opening up once more, and seeing simply what life will bring to me without my having to look for it. 

Love and blessings to all. 

Dark Moments

San Francisco from the Black Pearl February, 2016

I’ve been writing about my journey after the sudden loss of my husband in July, I try to write things that will help others and that are inspiring, however, I will tell you, I have had some dark moments.  

Last week I had a series of nightmares.  I have never been one to have nightmares making this particularly traumatizing for me.  I would then wake at 4 a.m. and be unable to go back to sleep, so I was then quickly sleep deprived. 

I am someone who needs my sleep, and getting four hours of sleep has an adverse effect on my busy and productive life. 

At the same time, I was dealing with the betrayal of a woman who pretended to love me, but did not, and those who should have loved me, but did not.   I spent a good deal of time trying to understand how we can love people who harm us, and I came to no real conclusion, only that because people are family doesn’t mean they are exempt from common decency, and the most basic rules of respect and kindness.

Finally, I took matters into my own hands, and kissed the kids goodnight and went to bed in my pink striped cotton P.J.’s at 8:00 p.m. and took a dramamine.  I love dramamine for sleep and take it the night before a sailboat race if I know the winds are high.  I took it when I was training for my BK license because we had 35k of wind and I was very sea sick the first few days.  Although, I have many sleep aid choices, I like dramamine because it knocks me out for 10 hours with the only side effect being a sense of calm the next day.   On this night, I prayed for sweet dreams and drifted off to sleep.  I awoke the next morning feeling rested and have been fine ever since.  Thank goodness.

As many who have been married 20 plus years know, there are ups and downs in long term marriages.  I’ve spent the last two months playing and replaying all of the memories of those years with my husband, 25 years to be exact.  A quarter of a century.  Most of them were wonderful and I am grateful for them, some of them were not, but they taught me so much about myself, love and forgiveness that I wouldn’t change a single moment. 

The word forgive in Aramaic means to untie.  So I untie myself from the past and move now into my future.  In the sailing world this is called casting off.

at-sunset-sf
San Francisco Bay April, 2016