The Rain & First Time Last Time

We hit the 6th month mark on January 25th. Sadly, it fell in the middle of a cold and stormy winter.  

Northern California has had many years of drought, so our winters are typically sunny and warm. This one, however, has been heavy with clouds giving it a Gotham City like feel.  The rain and wind at night invade my dreams and in the grey morning my girls beg me to let them miss school, and stay in their warm beds.  Normally, I find the rain beautiful and nourishing, but this year it has only added to the underlying gloom. 

When I came home this afternoon my daughter Paris ran out of the house to my car, she asked, if we could get coffee. Even though, I had a million things to do, I said yes, because I won’t have this luxury next year. This could be the last time our days align enough for us to have these few unexpected moments. 

What a luxury to have her sitting across from me in Pete’s. She’s at the age where she glows with health and vitality. She is quite literally a ray of sunshine.

She’s making decisions about college and this brings with it many firsts for her as she does the research this effort requires, sorts through acceptance letters, and scholarship offers, and weighs the merits of each campus. But, this period is also marked by the last home soccer game of Siena’s, her last NCL meeting, her last Spring break, and so on…

As we hit the 6th month mark, I noticed that it’s harder now than in the beginning, the reality has set in, and every mile stone puts us further along our path, but further away from the life we had when my children had a father.

I was at the Moraga Country Club this week with my Ocean SF advisers, I remember joining this club 15 years ago, and how excited we were, and all the fun we had, and the many life long friends we made there.  It feels like a dream now. To be so carefree, sitting under an umbrella, with my girlfriends watching the kids swim all summer long, summer after summer. What a luxury.

But that is the past, and I feel like a seed planted in the darkness, and in someways I am enjoying this time because I know that we are all germinating and the sun will come out again, and everything will look completely different 6 months from now.  

This rainy sad winter will someday too be a memory. And I will remember the nourishing rain that came down as we slept. 

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