Last On The List

In the fall of 2014, I had a conversation with my husband that went something like this, “I’m O.K. being last on the list, but I’m not even on the list.”  I had not put a brush to paper in years, I even tried to work as a Financial Analyst, only to find myself with 195 text messages a day from my nanny and family, and myself walking out of meetings to hiss into my phone in the hallway at my teenagers.  As I tried to work on Kearny Street in San Francisco it became apparent that I could not. I left that job in tears and frustration. 

Cleaning, meals, home work, volunteering and carpooling became the assembly line that comprised my life. I had not done one thing to improve myself in years. 

One day, I simply decided I was done with that and I took a five day sailing class. My kids were supportive and found rides and I was able to cast off at 8 a.m., and even though I was sea sick the first few days, I was at once addicted to the freedom. I loved the peace and the quiet of having so little expected of me.  Yes, from time to time I had to grind or pull in a line. I liked to stear and as a sea captain’s granddaughter I could easily catch the wind at close hull, but mostly it was a meditation.  

The ocean will now forever be a part of my life.  I found the thing that I loved enough to drive a permanent change in my life. As much as I love my family and I really do adore supporting their hopes and dreams, I matter too. And even if I put the happiness of my children first, part of doing that is being happy myself, and teaching my children how to carve a place in their life for the things that bring them bliss.