Marriage, Darwin & Change

Oil on Canvas by Sydney Chaney

The fog rolls in from the San Francisco Bay and hangs like a shroud around my home in the hills to the East. I look out the window and can see the silvery green of the olive trees in my front yard, but not even an outline of the houses across the street. The entire neighborhood is wrapped in a cool white blanket.

I’m sitting in bed on a Thursday morning drinking my French roast coffee from a large white mug. I’m reading the news, my email and checking my analytics. I feel safe and peaceful here. I know I am watched over by the spirit of Lorraine Source who lived here before me for three decades. When we bought the house there were six quit claims in the loan file at the title company. She lived here with her six husbands quite obviously taking shit from no one. A woman ahead of her time.

On that day I was pregnant with my second daughter and had my white haired sixteen month old in tow.

From the moment I saw the house I fell in love with it. Classic and traditional; not too big, not too small. A place I could live forever.

Comforting in every way. With two furnaces, upstairs and down, the entire house is quickly warm even on the coldest of days. The rooms are graceful and full of natural light. Once inside it feels like a warm hug. I know that I can live here as long as I want to. That is a done deal. The question that remains is do I want to?

At the purchase I imagined I would host my grandchildren here. My girls would come home and sleep in their childhood rooms with their husbands and their babies beside them in the same bassinet they slept in. In the summer they would play in the pool like they did when they were little. We would have music playing and burgers on the grill and cold lemonade. Shrieks of laughter would float across the creek and happiness would prevail.

The same is true for the Tahoe house. In winter, we would all be together like we always are. My future grandchildren occupying the bunk room with the snow flake pillows and four matching bear quilts on each bed.

The future that awaits me now is decidedly different. Although, we are happy and stable, there are big changes ahead. My daughter will be in college next year. I will be running Ocean SF, but from where?

My company gives me what I’ve always wanted which is an ability to drive change. This is ironic as now I am facing changes on every level of my personal life. As open as I am to moving both physically and figuratively I still resist. It feels entirely distracting to move households and that is the deciding factor at the moment. On this foggy Thursday it’s a time of contrasts; the peacefulness of my quiet home against the backdrop of exhilarating new beginnings.

I’ve dedicated my life to positive growth. I’ve refused to accept anything less than forward motion. I’ve never backed down from anything or anyone. I never let fear hold me back.

I think the trick now is not to let go, but to be willing to let go. The future I thought I would have has altered, but I am open and prepared to adapt. And, as Darwin’s theories proved, to adapt is to thrive.

After all, that’s what my predecessor did. She sold the house, moved to Arizona and got married again.

Love and blessings to all.

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