The Gap

Drawing by my friend and neighbor Alecia Larson

As many people know, I am a fairly religious person. I grew up in the Catholic faith that is the hallmark of my Irish lineage. My mother and grandmother went to mass daily and I would often meet my mother at noon to pray the rosary with her. As a child I prayed every night before I went to sleep and as an adult I pray before my feet hit the floor every morning.  I prayed to find the right person to marry, I prayed for success in my work, I prayed for a home and a baby of my own, and later a family to love and care for. And all of my prayers were answered. 

Over the last few years as my family began a major shift, I prayed for God’s will because I could not foresee the outcome of my life at all. All I knew was that I had to employ perfect trust. When I would become overwhelmed by all of the changes ahead, I would place myself squarely in the eye of the storm, where it is perfectly silent and still, and allow it to rage around me. 

During these intense moments I would take a deep breath and empty my mind of all of the fearful thoughts that plagued me and allow a gap where God could come into my heart and do his work.

In the days after my husband’s death I would do this frequently and afterwards I would have perfect clarity on what was expected of me, and I would prioritize accordingly. 

As things become easier and I find myself laughing again, my prayers are now of gratitude. I am thankful for what remains of the beautiful life my husband and I built together. I am thankful to see my children not just surviving, but thriving.  

Although, I have a vision for a happy future, I no longer plan too far ahead.  I live in the present, and leave my life in God’s hands, which is where it belongs. 

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